“The only journey is the one within.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

As it turns out, we did not get very far with the online therapy. And I will tell you why. We signed up for BetterHelp which is an online therapy website. They have a platform specifically for couples counseling called ReGain.us. So I, in a decidedly sanguine state, diligently set up a profile, selected couples counseling as my interest and provided my partner’s email so he could be alerted and included when we were matched with a therapist.

From our email exchange:

Regain allows you and your partner to share a 3-way, private chatroom with a licensed therapist while using separate login credentials. You pay one flat-rate fee for a subscription that both of you have access to. You can schedule live phone and video calls with your therapist as well, but keep in mind that 3-way video/phone calls are not yet supported by the Regain platform.

Your card will be charged $260.
If you can't afford counseling, you may be eligible to receive financial aid - click here to apply

I selected the $65 / week plan (UNLIMITED $65/week billed monthly Most Popular! - Four weeks of unlimited messages and live sessions for $320 just $260) and waited to be paired with a therapist who is licensed in my area. I requested a female within the 40 + age range. I was paired, after waiting a few days, with a young man. I decided to go with it. We messaged back and forth to schedule our first call. There were lags on both of our ends when attempting to determine an appointment time. We couldn’t quite seem to connect. I became exasperated - and after a week or two of this I decided I might as well reach back out to ReGain and request to be paired with a therapist of my original description - female and older.

Regain is in its nascent stages and therefore has a limited pool of therapists available in each state. I appreciated these parameters when they told me the young male therapist I had been paired with was in fact the only one available for the time being. I would not be charged if I chose to hold off on my subscription so I decided to defer my plan with the intent to sign back up in the near future. Fair enough.

I should have followed up immediately but I was imagining things would chill out in the next several weeks and we’d give it a fresh try then. That form of thinking is ludicrous and I should know better. Now, months later, things are not chill (but definitely exciting!). We bought our neighbors house, are renovating it, moving ourselves over, preparing our place for tenants, and as soon as that is all sorted, flying to Ireland for two weeks.

Around this time I ordered the Michael Pollan book, “How To Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence”. Not a complete coincidence I am sure. Was I looking for a quick fix of some sort? Perhaps… But I’d like to think I am always interested in learning more about all roads leading to self discovery and spiritual understanding. Pollan did years worth of primary and secondary research for this book and it is a thorough and enjoyable read. There is no way for me to properly synthesize all of the information it contains, nor do I understand all the mechanics of the neuroscience, but these are simply my general thoughts on what I have read so far.

In this book, his most recent, Pollan uncovers the buried data which supports a revival, or as he calls it a “renaissance”, of psilocybin as a legitimate (not to mention safe and nonaddictive) component to spiritual awakening and mental health betterment, not just a drug for hippie stoners passing the time.

In fact the experts specifically recommend that it is not for the young mind but for a person, middle aged and older, to deal with addiction, depression, and is particularly effective in people grappling with a terminal prognosis. And beyond the clinical setting, Pollan believes psilocybin should be legally available for the “healthy normal” who wishes to better understand themselves and their place in this universe.

madebykaran

So if I am to understand correctly… maybe, possibly, doing unregulated doses of mushrooms in my bummer of a dorm room as a young undergrad may not have been the ideal ‘set and setting’ for a truly transformative experience? Yes, I can definitely see that.

Pollan posits that psychedelics were dealt a rough and unfair blow by the media’s reaction to the ‘moral panic’ of the 1960’s counter culture. The research taking place in the 1950’s was thorough and vast (upwards of 40,000 test subjects as a treatment for alcohol addiction) with encouraging results. This line of research is now being picked back up by such prominent institutions as John’s Hopkins, NYU, and the Imperial College in London. This resurgence is inspired, in part, by the fact that we are at a point of crisis in our treatment of depression. Depression medications score only slightly higher than a placebo in clinical trials and are tied to a potpourri of negative side effects.

Our minds like to create stories. Renumerative thinking traps us in loops and creates pathways in our brains that are difficult to break. This happens within the Default Mode Network portion of our brians. Stories like, I can’t get through this day without a cigarette (Pollan’s example), or, I always fail because of x. In a Johns Hopkins pilot study using psilocybin to treat nicotine addiction they had an 80% success rate “which is unprecedented”. Pollan explains the neuroscience taking place in the brain in these terms, “Activity in the DMN falls during the psychedelic experiences, and when it falls most precipitously volunteers often report a dissolution of their sense of self.” It is this dissolution of self which seems to be the key to changing your way of thinking.

Pollan describes the DMN as the conductor of our brain, efficiently limiting movement between other parts of our brain to help us function in our daily lives, filling in the blanks and relying on memories and old habits to understand and interpret the world around us. But when it is ‘offline’ the rest of the brain connects and this allows for new thoughts, perspectives, and feelings to appear. When the DMN is quieted and the rest of the brain has the chance to communicate there seems to be a positive impact not just for the immediate moments or days after the experience but for years after the experience.

Patrick Mettes, a 50ish TV producer in NYC was fighting an aggressive form of lung cancer and sick with the chemotherapy treatment. With no history of psychedelic use he signed up for the NYU trials, was admitted and administered 25 mills of psilocybin after several talk sessions with a therapist who would also be his guide. Two months after the experience Patrick said he is “better able to live in the present” and described loving his wife even more. He is meditating daily and even though dying of cancer he is the “happiest he has ever been”.

Pollan did his own primary research in the form of, firstly, finding a guide (there is a substantial underground community which he accessed viva voce). He entered a comfortable room, was given a set of ‘flight instructions’ (recommendations on how to deal with potentially unpleasant moments), and was provided an eye mask and headphones. As psychedelics are a highly suggestible drug these precautions were taken in order to keep the experience as inward as possible. The guide says very little, as to not interfere, but is there to make sure you feel (and are) safe. Oakland & Denver have decriminalized psilocybin in recent months but on the whole this remains an illegal activity, therefore Pollan and his guides (although most of the guides were trained therapists or healers) were forced to operate off the grid.

Historically, I wouldn’t describe myself as someone in touch with their chakras, I prefer a pragmatic approach to life (not that spirituality and pragmatism are mutually exclusive, they are not). I’m a rule follower by nature and if there is a risk to be taken I’ll pass, but at certain times in life the aberrant can be enticing. So this book, is perfect! I’ll wait till you collect all the data and perform all the clinical trials and THEN let’s do something wild!

It is not unlikely that this turn of form is inspired by the fact that I now have children. The irony. I was never as moved to self improve as I am now. I see, now, how important it is to be your fully realized self through the eyes of your child. And I want this experience for myself as well. Not to mention how much our happiness and independence reflects on our children’s happiness. That must be the most selfish, and good, reason to better oneself.

Maybe Jeremy and I just need a good old fashioned spiritual guide in a yurt someplace in the woods. Let’s have a little fun looking into it shall we?