I first heard of the British philosopher Alain de Botton over 10 years ago when my brother read Status Anxiety and was blown away. He left it on my coffee table and there it sat, formidably, for years, essentially untouched. De Botton’s subjects of interest were so applicable it was impossible for me to resist referencing his work at dinner parties and wowing rapt audiences with the brief synopsis from the book jacket or a first paragraph from a recent New Yorker contribution. My poor brother, hip to my uninformed nonsense, would just roll his eyes.
De Botton’s 2016 opinion piece, “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”, was the most read New York Times article of that year (I personally sent it to no fewer than 5 friends). Did I think I married the wrong person? No. But were there moments when things felt all wrong within our relationship? Totally. This is all to say that relationships are tough. No partnership is immune from these challenges yet there is such stigma attached to looking for help. Not to mention, who has the time for that!?
According to Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, couples wait an average of 6 years after the first signs of unhappiness before seeking counseling services. Now, with kids, we have so little time to unravel any misunderstandings or tackle those bad habits that have been brewing. We are in need of some preventative medicine.
As Tessa Hadley said recently on marriage, “You either hang on or you don’t”. This might be a slight simplification but it helps put things in perspective when you are two Virgos who run hot. We plan on hanging on so let’s make sure this is the best marriage it can be, right? Luckily, he is still the person I want to get a beer with at the end of the day. However, we still struggle with the transitions on both sides of my husband’s travel. As one would expect, this has been further complicated by having kids. The vibe in our house pre and post trip is intense and emotional. We need therapy because of the travel but we can’t get therapy because of the travel. Perfect.
So there I was again, a few weeks ago, searching for couples counselors in my area. And then it occurred to me - in these modern times there must be a more refined online counseling option, right? And lo and behold, the Internet provided. I found that what was originally utilized by families in the military had now become a popular and affordable therapy option.
There are several websites to choose from, all offering the same basic services - video conferencing sessions (so a couple can connect from two separate locations), text chats, and email communication. Reading the fine print on one of these sites, in particular, is essential to confirming that the provided service is operated securely, when it comes to your privacy, and that it employs registered and seasoned therapists. However, one concern is that even a seasoned therapist may not have the proper training or experience working online. Interpreting the tone of a certain text or email can be precarious, even when communicating with people we know well.
I was worried about how to build a trusting relationship and rapport with someone through the Internet (online dating revenue was over $3 billion in 2017 so yeah, it’s probably possible). In the American Psychological Association article by Amy Novotney titled “A Growing Wave of Online Therapy” one therapist, clinical psychologist Nina Barlevy, PsyD, describes her experience after joining BetterHelp.com as a counselor in this way, "I'm such a people person, so it was tough for me to feel a real connection when I was just messaging with people," she says. "Plus a lot of people just stopped responding, and I felt like there wasn't enough time to really build a relationship. It actually turned out to be more difficult than I imagined."
This is all new territory and little research has been done on the benefits and pitfalls of teletherapy. But what cannot be disputed are the long-term benefits of therapy for individuals; The American Psychological Association has found that talk therapy has longer term benefits in dealing with anxiety or depression, with less instances of relapse, than any course of drugs.
So I have signed us up for TalkSpace’s ReGain program, which is their counseling option specifically for couples. TalkSpace claims to have 500,000 registered users worldwide and charges between $49-69 per week. I am going to try it for a month. Will follow-up with a part two in April or May. Wish us luck!
Sources:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/feb/12/online-therapy-thousands-but-does-it-work
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/08/psychotherapy-effective